God chases after you.

This is the story of the miracle that happened on our cruise and changed our lives.

T.j. and I just got back from our cruise just yesterday. We have had this cruise booked since last January. It popped up on my facebook "packers legends cruise", T.j. has been a packers fan since childhood, and I knew it would be a memorable vacation. We had it booked in under an hour. Every email update was so exciting. We'd never been on a cruise or a week long vacation. We later ended up adding an excursion that was a private 4 hour beach party with select players, a buffet, and beach Olympics. This boosted our excitement x 100. 

In August hurricane Harvey hit and though we didn't get any flood damage the financial cost of the long term missed work was immense. For months following Harvey we couldn't help but wonder if this cruise was a horrible financial decision. Then the flow of bad things one after another started coming  (infestations, major car issues, a dozen medical specialists, injuries etc.). More and more money was going out and the stress and weight of it all was more than we could handle. I even had a mental breakdown in the middle of it all. Things just got seriously bad. After awhile I somehow found myself clinging closer to God and no longer finding my comfort in things going right but just simply trusting Gods plan, even as things continued to go wrong. 

Suddenly things started happening around the cruise. Money being sent just when we needed it out of  no where. God's provisions seemed to surround this vacation. We began to realize God was blessing this cruise, he was showing us it was meant to happen and had a purpose. We clung to that as it drew near. 

Finally the cruise arrived and everything went off without a hitch. When we arrived we received an itinerary of specifically packer events for the week. Every morning at 8am was listed "chapel with players", we had no idea what it was and there was no description. The first full day we went to this event. One of the founders of Leadership League, the organization that started the NFL team cruises, got up and began to explain what was going on. He started by informing us Leadership League was started to spread the love of God! We were both shocked, we had no idea this was a christian company. He then continued to tell us every morning would start with praise and worship and devotional time. T.j. and I were both pleasantly surprised and excited. We went to service the following day as well.

So far the trip was great. Well on the second full day we stopped in Costa Maya and we got off and shopped then came back for a nap. At around 5:30 I woke up and started to get dressed to go have my quiet time when T.J. suddenly woke up panicked and ran to the bathroom and started vomiting like crazy as well as other things. I start freaking out and asking him "what should I do? should I go tell someone?" (remember this is our first cruise). We decided I should go ask at guest services. I go ask and they send me to medical who promptly directs me to bring him down. I  didn't think much of it and did what they asked.

T.J. and I arrive in medical. They ask a bunch of questions and give him a shot. T.j. started feeling sick again and went into the bathroom. While in the bathroom the nurse informs me he will have to stay quarantined in his room for the next 24 hours. I immediately start sobbing.

You see our private beach party is the following day, it's non refundable, cost us $600, and was the main thing we were looking forward to. I'm panicking because when he comes out of the bathroom I have to tell him this. See T.J. comes from not only a family of serious pessimists but he takes bad things happening very very hard. He has also had so so much bad happen to him and therefore tends to push away and go inward when bad things happen. Because of this I dread telling him bad things.  So he comes out and sees me crying and I have to tell him. His entire posture just sinks. When the nurse leaves the room he just looks down and asks "Why is this happening to us? We've been going to church everyday. Who else goes to church on their vacations?".

We get escorted back to our room, with security. Once there I now have to go beg Leadership league to refund us somehow. Our ticket clearly states even if the event is canceled there will be no refund. So I start heading down to their desk. I'm just sobbing the whole time. What am I going to do? Will T.J. be okay? What's going to happen? I just want to call my mom. I walk up and there are 5 staff members standing around. I'm crying so hard I can barely talk. I finally explain the situation, along with a ton pf word vomit and unnecessary information. They quickly agreed to a refund and even offer to add us to one of the private dinners with a player! Crisis #1 averted. I go back up to the room and tell T.J.. I leave for dinner and he went to sleep.  

For hours all I can do is cry and try and figure out how to keep T.J. from retreating into a hole and pushing everyone including God away after our vacation is ruined like this. But somehow deep inside I still believed God had blessed this trip, I don't know why or how, but I knew there had to be a reason. The next morning T.j. was still sleeping and I decided to go to chapel alone. I was almost twenty minutes late but I still went. When I arrived there was a huge crowed of ship staff and medical and people all over were crying. Apparently one of the Leadership league staff had an epileptic seizure. After they wheeled her away they continued with the service, because of this I didn't miss anything. All through the service I'm just trying not to cry. The devotional was on a prophet (I can't remember who) who got out of prison and got straight onto a boat to go somewhere to continue to spread God's word. On the way there is a storm and the ships wrecks on Malta. He then goes to start a fire to warm everyone and gets bit by a snake. After all this he ends up healing the entire island of illness through God's power. The moral of the story was All these bad things happened even though he was following God's will and then all the bad ended up being a part of God's plan to heal these people.

After the service I was still paralyzed by the whole situation. They ended in prayer and I couldn't even lift my head. I just started sobbing. See anytime something bad happens to us I tend to take on the role of making sure to remind T.j. that God's in control even when bad things happen. I stay positive for both of us. But this time I just didn't know if it would be enough, I didn't know if this was the final straw. I was at a complete loss of what to pray. So I just stated pleading with God to send someone, anyone to come talk to me, to help me, or to just give me a hug. I just kept saying it over and over "please send someone to me". First a older couple came over and just started praying, when they finished the man walked away and the women briefly talked to me and then left. I didn't feel any better so I just kept sobbing.

Shortly after, the main host, and one of the founders came over. His name is Antwaan Randle El and he used to play for the Stealers. He asked me what was wrong and I very briefly explained the situation. Money was tight, things had been bad for awhile, he was sick, we would miss our event, and I didn't know how to spiritually help him. He asked where he was and then asked if he could come pray for us. I left to go ask T.J. and Antwaan called and spoke to him. T.j. said it was okay and a few minutes later he knocked on our door. 

When I opened to door the man who did the previous days devotional was with him. His name is Greg Hendrix and he is the associate pastor of the rock church in San Diego. We all introduced ourselves and shook hands and then we all stood up, laid hands on each other, and Antwaan began to pray.

Antwaan prayed for the situation and for healing and then stopped. Greg started the same but then something switched, He started saying very specific things. He said he felt like T.j. worked in construction of some sort. He said he felt God was telling him to pray for very specific things. He then prayed specifically for T.j.'s back pain and his stomach issues. He also prayed for resentment and anger T.J. was holding on to. He prayed for me and then he ended.

I'm sobbing again. You see I never spoke to Greg at all, I also never told anyone about T.j.s job (he's a plumber and does new construction). In addition to that T.J. has had severe back pain for years, so bad so that he can't hold the kids for very long at all without putting them down because he's in pain. He has also had debilitating stomach issues for years that we have been dealing with. I never mentioned this to anyway. I explain this to both Greg and Antwaan. He asked if T.j.'s back still hurt and he told us "when I was sitting it was hurting and now it's not at all". We kept reassuring T.j. that I never mentioned any of this and I never spoke to Greg. We said our goodbyes and they left. We had other bad things happen that day but we kept coming back to that moment.

In that moment in that tiny ship cabin God spoke to us, directly to us. All the fear, loneliness, anger, it all just vanished. I have absolutely no doubt the entire cruise was meant for that on moment. T.j. got sick for that moment. We missed an event we had been waiting for for almost a year for that moment. T.j. had back pain for that moment. Guess what? ALL of it was worth it for that moment. For what that moment meant, for what it did for us, and for what I know it will do for others through this story and through what we do with how it's changed us. We will never have something bad happen to us again without remembering that moment and knowing God uses every situation for good. Just like the devotional that I heard only moments before all this happened. Sometimes bad things happen for powerful life changing reasons.

We left for our cruise needing rest and a break from all the bad over the last year. We expected fun and memories. What we got was sickness and despair that led to a moment in the presence of our heavenly father. An intricately planned string of events to bring us to a meeting with him. A meeting where he showed us that he IS constantly chasing after us, that he IS madly in love with us, and that he NEVER ignores us. He is always planning, he knows what he is doing at all times. Even when all we know what to pray is just for someone to come to comfort us when we just need a hug. In that moment when I pleaded for a hug I not only got one but I felt the embrace of a heavenly hug ya'll. I can't even explain that feeling.

Guys never stop praying for your situation. Never stop praying for your spouses situation. No matter what know God loves you even whenever EVERYTHING continues to go wrong over and over. You are not being punished, you are within his plan and his plan is full of love. Just hold on, and seek him. Seek him with everything you have, even when it seems like you have nothing to give, keep seeking him and you will find him.

 I pray I was able to articulate this story to whoever finds it. I pray someone who has or is or will be in a situation like my family has been in the last few years of what feels like bad thing after another, will read this and have hope. That you feel comfort. That your faith that God has a plan and one day it will reveal itself will be strengthened. 

P.S. T.j. still has not experienced any back pain as of today, a pain that has been daily for years, and we trust that God has healed it for good.

I should've prepared...My delivery story.

         In Honor of starting my 3rd trimester I'v decided to tell the story of the beginning of my journey as a mom, the day that nothing went as I thought it would. I hope my story will either help those who suffered know they weren't alone or maybe even prevent what happened to me from happening to someone else.

      Now it's been awhile so the details may be off, but much of that day I could never forget. Now anyone who knows me knows I had a really rough pregnancy to begin with but lucky for me the last part of my pregnancy went extremely fast. Now I didn't do a lot of research during my pregnancy because I was worried about being overwhelmed by all the information. With the internet there are MILLIONS of different opinions and "facts" out there so I decided to wing it I suppose. T.J. and I were both working and with how fast everything was going we missed our chance to take any classes to help prepare us. So I just decided to trust my doctor (I found her through a friend who was very high risk and had a perfect pregnancy and delivery). I figured they are doctors they know what their doing so why worry myself...I will forever regret that choice. The only thing I really covered with my doctor was my concern about unnecessary inductions. I noticed a TON of people basically just choosing when to have their babies and I knew I wanted her to come when my body knew it was her time. My doctor had the same opinion so my only concern was covered.

                                     
       So May 8th 2014 I was at work (at Starbucks). I was 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant and all my male co workers were terrified I'd go into labor on their shift and I'd just flood the store or something (young guys obviously). I planned on working until I went into labor so I'd have as much time at home with Josie as possible (With Starbucks I got 6 weeks paid leave and I added a month of unpaid leave). It was 10am and I was scheduled to work until noon. I was in the middle of making someones beverage and I suddenly felt like I wet myself a bit. Now if you've been pregnant before you know you have moments all the time of feeling like you leaked a little so normally you just move on. This time it felt like maybe a little more so I requested to run to the bathroom. I didn't really notice anything weird so I just went back to work. I got off work and I had a ton of errands to run that day but something just felt off. Now my whole pregnancy I had the weirdest feeling I wouldn't know I was in labor (which I knew was crazy), I even asked my doctors for specific signs. Anyway, because of feeling just kinda "off" I went to hangout with my mom for awhile and just called T.J. to let him know I wouldn't be able to run my errands. I just sat around basically and chatted with my mom until maybe 3pm until I went home because I just didn't feel right, 
  
       So when I got home I noticed I was gradually getting kind of damp I guess you could say. I also noticed Josie had stopped moving, which was unusual for her. At this point it was about 4pm and I decided to call my mom and just explain how the day went and how I was feeling. My mother suggested I call the doctors office because they were about to close. I called and explained the situation and within only a minute or 2 they asked me to come in (but they didn't really seem overly concerned so I wasn't either). Right about then T.J. got home and I told him we had to head out. I drove us the 30min to the doctors office. 

         When we got there they took a look and quickly said "oh that's amniotic fluid your leaking", now remember I went into all this rather blind so I wasn't exactly sure what that meant. So I asked "So I'm in labor? Is someone going to tell me if I'm in labor". Obviously I was so they sent me to Texas women's hospital next door. I go my room right around 5:30pm. My doctor wasn't there, I was greeted by the on call doctor whom I've never seen. She looked my age or younger. I still to this day have no idea where my doctor was or why I NEVER saw her. When I got there I asked when my contractions would start and they informed me that I was having them 2min apart and I was already 4cm dilated! I was shocked. I couldn't feel anything. After being checked out they discovered only half of my water had broken and was acting as sort of a buffer for the contractions. They proceeded to break the rest of my water. Soon after that the contractions kicked in, I think I made it through maybe 5 before I asked for the Epidural (I had already decided early on that I would play the epidural by ear).

      For several hours I just slept and not a lot happened. After a few hours we were informed that Josie's heart-rate had dropped "a little". They proceeded to take me off Pitocin (Which I didn't even know what it was or that I was on it). At around 2am ( Only 9 hours after being at the hospital and only 14 hours after my water first broke) I was 8cm dilated and the doctor said I wasn't progressing fast enough and they couldn't risk putting me back on Pitocin because they were concerned about Josie's heart-rate. So c-section it was. I looked at T.J. and started crying. I told him he had to take care of our little girl for me (I meant it as I didn't know when I'd get to be with them but he thought I was talking about dying so needless to say he cried a lot). Now I was crying because I was terrified of a c-section due to my history with depression growing up. I knew that there would be some time where I wouldn't see her and I was scared I would end up having postpartum depression because of it.

         The C-section went smoothly. at 2:30 am my life changed. They showed her to me and just like that T.J. and Josie were gone. I didn't even get to touch her. T.j. went to introduce her to everyone and I was closed up and moved to a recovery room. I didn't see either of them for over an hour. Eventually they came back but I was informed I was not allowed to touch her until I could feel my toes and legs. So there she was sitting 5 ft away, my baby girl, but I wasn't allowed to touch her. My heart ached. My baby was right there, we spent 9 months together and she was removed from my body and now all I could do was stare at her from afar. I could barely even see her from my bed. We were in that room for what seemed like eternity, practically being ignored. It was a few hours at least, Longest hours of my life.

                             

         I could finally move so we were moved to a room, but it was to late, the damage was done. I am in tears as I type this because I can't remember what the moment I held her for the first time was like. The whole first day of Josie's life she was in one of those baby heaters. They said her body temperature was too low (which I didn't find out till day 3 in the hospital was because she was supposed to stay double swaddled the whole time till she could regulate her temperature). I don't remember the feelings I had towards her those first few days of her life, honestly I don't even know if I had any, It's all a fog. The whole stay was a mess. T.J. had been in the E.R. earlier that week so he wasn't feeling well before we even got there but the lack of any kind of bed for him made it worse. He was miserable. I was in a lot of pain but T.J. could only help so much. One night I moved Josie's plastic bassinet into my bed so I could get to her faster without waking T.J. I was promptly chewed out the next morning for putting her in danger apparently. We went in on a Thursday had her on Friday, My birthday was on Saturday, mother's day was on Sunday, and Monday we FINALLY got to go home. I just wanted to be as far from that hospital as possible.

                                         

      Having my precious baby girl and being home with her didn't go at all how I thought it would. My concerns came true. I knew something felt off. From the moment they took her from my body and took her from me my connection with her  was  gone. They took my moment from me. They took 2 years of her life from me. The first 2 years of my Josie's life can only be described as long term baby sitting. Let me explain, I never had those warm fuzzies, There was no bond that can't be broken, I never hated Josie like some people with postpartum do, I just never felt like she was mine. I took care of her, I enjoyed being around her, but it was like she wasn't mine, like she was never apart of me. The moment they removed Josie from my body and took her away they severed the bond we had before I got to even touch her. I barely remember her being so small, I don't remember staring at her and my heart exploding with love. I'll never get that back. 
                                                      

     Recently I had dinner with my husband and all I could do was go on and on about how much I love and enjoy our Josie girl. She brings so much joy to my life. I can't imagine my life without her. I hate going places without her. She's my mini-me, My best friend. He looked at me and told me how wonderful it was to hear me talk about her like that, he told me he remembered the disconnect we had. It breaks my heart that 2 years of her life will forever be shrouded in this "disconnect". I can't get those years back. But I will spend everyday of her life basking in her amazing personality, I will remember the moments we have now. I could not love her anymore than I do.

                                            

      When we started trying for baby #2 I started researching to prevent this from happening again. These are the things I discovered:

1. Pitocin is used in inducing labor, it also makes contractions more painful. They still do not know how it will affect the fetus and therefore it often times leads to c-section because of what it does to the fetus (ie. her heart rate dropping)
2. Skin to skin following delivery is VERY important for both mother and infant.
3. Doulas are AMAZING and very well informed.
4. Doctors don't automatically have your best interest at heart. Don't just assume they will do what is best. Be your own advocate.
5. Texas women's hospital has an extremely high volume of c-sections due to their desire to keep to THEIR schedule. (I've been told this by my doula, nurses from both TWH and my new doctor, and my current doctor.) I will say I have had friends who had perfectly normal delivery's there so do your own research. 

I 100% believe my c-section was totally unnecessary on many levels. I was 8cm dilated when they took me back, Josie's heart-rate only dropped one time, I went into labor completely on my own, and I should of NEVER been put on Pitocin (which apparently is a common practice now a days even with all the negative risks).  God has a reason for everything and I truly believe that, but I am doing everything in my power to prevent this with my son. 

       I am starting my 3rd trimester with my son today! As soon as we found of we were pregnant I got a new doctor and a doula. I will be going in for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and I have high hopes it should go smoothly. My doctor has done several and has a reputation for ACTUALLY ATTENDING 98% of her patients deliveries! I will be delivering at Texas Children's Women's Pavillion this time around. I will fight this time around for my body and my son. I have a doula who knows exactly what I want and will fight for me. I have the history with my baby girl burning a fire under my butt to do everything in my power to advocate for myself at all times. But most of all I have a GOD who is all powerful who is watching out for me and knows whats best. I feel so comforted as I start my 3rd trimester that my bad experiences have prepared me for whats to come. now if only I could get rid of this heartburn!

      Fight for what you want, know what you want out of your delivery, be as prepared as you can and never stop asking your doctor questions. Things may be out of your control in the end but at least you'll know everything that could've been done was and know that even when things go out of control that God is still in control.

                                                                    

How do you revel in life while you live it?

 
I have recently been asking myself the question "how do you revel in your life while also living it"? As a working woman, wife, and mother there are both piles of stress and never-ending to do lists as well as moments that you wish you could freeze frame forever. How do you do it all? How can you be super woman and get everything done and still savor the moments that take your breath away?
 
As I sit here next to my precious napping angel, the smell of her hair, the look on her precious face I am avoiding the sound of the ominous washer buzz and the pile of who knows what on the "dining room" table. Being a super woman I can't help but feel the guilt of the things that are not getting done on my day off, but I also am fully aware that once I hit that pile of things to do that 2pm will turn into 8pm and my angel will be going to bed and I will be stuck wondering where my day, my free day, with my little one went. How do you find the balance? How do you stop them from becoming teenagers over night and still get stuff done?

This is one of the many things I have discovered while Being Mrs. Sweeney. I beginning to realize that life is a never ending choice between doing and enjoying. There really isn't a right choice. Some days we ignore the to do list and soak in the gut giggles, the messy grins, the bouncy first steps, all the things that can't truly be explained add have to be witnessed. Some days we conquer our piles of junk and errands and our husbands come home to clean houses and dinner on the table and we miss some of the giggles and jumbled words, but there is always tomorrow. Life does move on, time stands still for no one.

So here is to all the super woman out there getting it all done and sacrificing those moments, but let's remember sometimes it's ok to put down the cape pull out the frozen lasagna and sit on your butt in the middle of the floor and PLAY!

-Being Mrs. Sweeney.

Inside the mind of loneliness.

          How do you start explaining something you may never really, fully understand. I guess I will start at the beginning. Growing up home-schooled has both it's advantages and disadvantages. I will always be grateful for the things instilled in me due to being home-schooled and I wouldn't change it for the world, but there are things that will always be (or at least feel) lacking. I didn't have a lot of activities aside from church growing up. My whole world was family, church and repeat. At age 8 I received my first real social activity: girls softball. This is when I truly began to realize I was somehow different. I still remember feeling like I was watching more than I was involved in the friendships surrounding my softball team. Up until this point my only (out of family) social interaction was with kids at church, I had people I hung out with at church, and I do believe that I felt I had friends, But there were no slumber parties or play dates, or any outside of church interaction. This is when I started feeling as though something was wrong with me. Why didn't I get the other girls jokes? Why didn't they think I was fun? Why didn't anyone get excited to see me? Or want to hangout after practice with me? What was wrong with me? 

  

         I only did softball for one season (mostly due to short stop getting pounded in the eye with a softball, causing it to swell up the size of the softball, and I liked my face how it was.) I believe during this time my mother started working at a day care where she took me and my younger sister with her. That as well didn't last long and didn't accrue any friendships or new social skills. After that it was back to home and church for a while. 

       At the age of 11 (I believe) my mother started working at the church day care and again took me and my younger sister with her. This is also the point in which those children at church I perceived to be my "friends" realized I wasn't a boy like them and I wasn't a pretty, dressy girl either. So now began the fun task of trying to see where I fit. I'd always been a tom boy up until this point and all my church "friends" were boys. When 6th grade started the boys didn't want to be "friends" with girls anymore because now girls were "cute". As I struggled to find my place I started feeling more and more depressed and confused. 

         I started staying home more by myself and started feeling alone, confused, and depressed. I'd go to church and see the kids my age with their little groups of friends and hear their stories of going out together and having sleep overs. Slowly this darkness seemed to creep over me. Life seemed so empty and alone. I was fully aware how blessed I was to have a roof over my head and a great family. I didn't really feel like my life was so bad, but still I felt alone and dark inside. Eventually this dark feeling of emptiness turned to a lack of desire to live at all. Thoughts of suicide became a daily thing and a daily struggle to fight against. Now I have always been a very analytical person, always in my head all the time, so the battle of "Why am I so depressed?" and "Why do I feel this way?" began. I truly didn't feel like I had a real reason to be upset the way I was 24/7. This made me feel so much worse. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I make these feelings stop? Why can't I just be better? Luckily my family meant the world to me and though my imagination was constantly reeling with different ways I could easily end my life, I could never put them through that. I spent countless days sitting against my bedroom door trying to remember what it was like to be happy. Countless nights awake in bed trying to figure out what put me in this hole. It got to the point I had no hope in anything anymore. I kept asking God why he was letting me feel this way, what did I do to deserve this pain? I stopped caring. I stopped trying to do things because I 100% felt like everything was going to fail. This was also the time I decided to stop celebrating my birthday due to the 3rd or 4th year in a row that no one attended my parties. Not only did they not attend but they were all invited and attended the birthday parties or my previously mentioned "friend" from churches parties, which somehow were always the same day as mine (even though our birthdays were 20 days apart). After finally expressing to my mother the seriousness of my situation I was put in counseling. The majority of my therapy was spent with me self analyzing my entire situation, correctly I might add, until the therapist realized the cause of my situation: Chemical depression. The sole cause of my predicament was a simple chemical imbalance and after verification from a psychiatrist I was placed on Prozac. 2 weeks later I was happy as a bee. Back to life I went.

          For awhile I actually had a friend here and there. I also started having "boyfriends", but I still felt like I was watching more than really being there. See, as I mentioned earlier, I'm in my head, A LOT. What I mean by this is: I'm constantly thinking, about everything. i.e. "that guy is looking over here what is he thinking

" "how does my outfit look right now" "did I just say the right thing?" "they are walking away......am I supposed to follow?" "how long do I wait to text back". These things are going through my head, all the time, at the same time. They still are. So even though for a short period I had 1 friend here for awhile and 1 friend there for awhile, they never lasted, and I never felt like I actually "got it". I still felt like something was wrong with me. What was I missing?

         Jr. High came and went. Lots of feeling left out, being rejected. For a short while I tried to be something I wasn't to fit in with the other girls at church and after being lied to and left out, I went back to me because it made no difference anyway. I'd try to pop in and out of conversations to see if I'd get a bite, but mostly I felt awkward afterwards life I was being weird or something. Towards the end we changed churches and this new one was worse. It was a much wealthier congregation and the majority had been there since birth, as I had been at the previous church. I watched my sister make friends easily my whole life, and here it was the same. I started getting labeled the one who talked to much due to a failed dating relationship. Again I was watching everyone else live their seemingly awesome lives.Why did everyone seem to have friends so easily? What was wrong with me? These questions constantly haunted me. I'd ask people all the time if I was doing something wrong but no one would tell me. It was always "nothings wrong". OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING IS WRONG. Why wouldn't anyone help me? I just wanted help. Just one bit of advice from someone who seemed to "get" whatever it was I wasn't "Getting". Did they not understand how HUGE an issue this was for me? A 14 or 15 year old girl who has never felt truly accepted or belonging somewhere. 

         Now after much persuasion I convinced my parents to allow me to attend public school for my sophomore year of high school. Again, sad to say, I excelled in my classes but I never had someone ask for my number so we could hang out. No invites to go somewhere. Nothing. I began completely enthralling myself with boyfriends. See boyfriends were the one relationship I seemed to get. I didn't question the amount of mobile communication we had. I didn't question whether they wanted to hangout. I always thought "hey they chose solely me so they must want me around a lot". So began my continuous string of boyfriends. Some were giant mistakes, some were good, some caused huge life altering situations and some just came and went. I never stayed single longer than a week or two, but the majority of my relationships lasted a good 3 months to a year. I generally kind of adopted my boyfriends friends as my own, in turn losing them once the boyfriend was gone. They weren't really my friends, and I knew that from day 1, But they were people I got to be around often. So I made it through high school in one piece, still in my same predicament, but in one piece.

        College, 10 hours away from home, not a single sole I've met before. Man I loved Texas tech, I loved my classes, I loved my job (in the major dorm "cafeteria"), I even met some people I would consider my friends for a time, But God had a different plan for me. I still remember walking across the library parking lot and knowing inside God was telling me I needed to be a stay at home mom one day, that was my calling. Now being intelligent I knew for a fact that staying at Tech would prevent me from ever being a stay at home mom due to the fact that I failed to receive any scholarships at all and was solely using loans. So after one amazing semester I went home. Back to life. I tried finishing school at San Jacinto community college but knew it wasn't right for me. So after a few semesters of working my way through college (paying in cash from my numerous jobs) I chose to leave, only to come back if it was God's will.  

          A few years of this and that, serious relationship here and there. I decided to work 3 jobs and move out on my own to forward my life. This is when I made Thomas Jason Sweeney, you can ask me how that came about, and now we are married with a baby. During our marriage I have had a "friend" here and there, never for very long. T.J. and I have had numerous conversations about my social situation, picking it apart and comparing notes. T.J. has had the same best friends since Jr. High and has his set days where he hangs out with them every week, this obviously leaves me a bit envious at times of his social situation. 

       So here I am. Alone, in a way. My Savior is complete. My family is complete. My Husband is complete. My child is complete. But still is that section inside that is still alone. That hole that has yet to be filled, as it were. I have always known in God's time he will place that someone or multiple someone's in my life. And I wait until then. But here is your look inside. Every day I go someplace, whether it be work, or church, or some other random social location, and I watch. I watch the conversations and the interactions. I watch the facial expressions and the tones of voices. I study the social cues going on around me. Hoping that one day I will finally get it. 

        Recently I have discovered something I know will follow me forever: My expectation of friendship will always be the same expectation I had as a 6th grade girl listening to the activities shared between friends in a crowded room. I will always long for the sleepovers, the constant texting, the inside jokes, the everyday spent together. I will always have the expectation of friendship being your "bestie" wanting to be around as much as your mothers allowed. I will have to remind myself everyday that I missed that chance, I'm an adult now and adult friendships are different. Adults have completely different responsibilities outside of when your going to hangout next. Their friend isn't their number one priority anymore. We have spouses and families and children to keep up with. We have jobs and errands and cleaning to attend to. Life gets away from us so easily now. I have to remind myself when I see these people in my daily activities that I am only getting one tiny glimpse at their life, and though it may seem like they have a "bestie" and it may feel like they must see each other constantly and communicate constantly, maybe they don't. But I can't help but feel like their lives are fuller than mine, that they do have someone they call once a day and see twice a week. That they have those people that they call up for dinner together a couple times a month. I can't help but feel like someone should be calling me to do something, ANYTHING, EVER. Do people realize It's me, my husband, and my family? Can they see that I have no friends? Can they see how excited I get for the chance to do anything with them, at all? Can they see that just talking to me whenever you just happen to see me for a period of time isn't friendship? Why do people think that a friendship of convenience isn't a friendship? Am I the one that is wrong? Should I only expect people to talk to me because I just happen to be in the same room as them?

         I still don't have any answers. I still feel alone in that small place inside. I still long for the day I feel relaxed in a group setting and my whole social life doesn't depend on this one possible interaction. I still look at those people who are talking to their, obvious, friends and wonder what that feels like. Will my social pitfalls hinder the social life of my wonderful Josie Lin? Did being home schooled even have anything to do with it? Is it just something in me? Will God eventually give me this particular thing I have longed for my whole life? Will this long road ever end? I have picked my brain apart and put it back together again so many, many times looking for the answers to my long lonely path to no end. Maybe one day it will just click, Maybe one day someone will tell me what it is that I must be doing wrong. Maybe one day I will just meet someone just like me and we can go through this path together. Until then I will continue to cling to the love and joy I have in my Savior, my family, my wonderful husband, and my amazing child. One day maybe someone will  understand. One day. 

Domesticated.

          So after 5 months of pregnancy I have hit my energy boost and I have decided this last week or so to use it to create routine for my life. So far it has been going pretty great which in turn has put me in one of the best moods for awhile now :). I have now created a pretty good routine for doing the dishes every night as well as folding laundry while I take it out the dryer. This prevents me from creating a giant clean laundry monster in the basket that eventually spreads across whatever room it is currently in. I know that seems so obvious but sometimes the most obvious things don't seem to just happen. I've also started figuring out a good system for making dinner!
        
         Now being Mrs. Sweeney comes with some serious shoes to fill when it comes to cooking. Unlike myself my husbands family is HUGE on cooking so in turn that is something that is expected of me. Oddly enough, coming from my family background, I managed to snag my husband due to cooking (not very well, but cooking just the same).  Tonight I am adjusting a previous recipe for chicken n' dumplings! Thanks to my wonderful sister I now have a crockpot, which there in itself has been a fun adventure.

         Now with this new routine I have been trying to create has come some new obstacles for learning to be Mrs. Sweeney. I have been doing extremely well (surprisingly so) at keeping the house continuously clean which has added a new challenge: how to gain my husbands help without nagging. Up until this point the house has generally stayed fairly dirty most of the time until I can't put it off anymore and clean it, or my husband gets so bored home alone that he cleans it. This system of ours has worked just fine to this point, but now its time to be grown ups and maintain cleanliness. Now I do the majority of the cleaning but while cleaning almost everyday now I've grown easily irritated whenever my husband leaves things out (ie. dirty cups, fast food trash, clothes etc.), I've found myself feeling a bit more like his mother than his wife. So this new challenge has got me trying to figure out: at what point do you cross the line from wife duties to mom duties? I've been trying to find the balance of this challenge.
 
        As wives we make sacrifices and take on certain maid like duties for our families. This is a role we choose when we get married, which I don't mind at all, but how do you figure out when your doing more than your share? Is there a point where it is more than your share alone or is it endless? Are we supposed to fill the position as our husbands mother when we get married? I wonder if I will ever really know. Until then I pray for wisdom in this current dilemma as well as peace to handle it the way I should. Just one more day in Learning how to be Mrs. Sweeney.


           Loving life,
                  -Mrs. Sweeney

Learning how to be Mrs. Sweeney

          Welcome to my simple married, pregnant, christian, life. Not much extremely exciting goes on in my life but learning to be Mrs. Sweeney is still something I will always be doing. So what exactly is being Mrs. Sweeney? Well I've been figuring that out for the last 2 years and 1 month. Being Mrs. Sweeney is not just about being married to Mr. Sweeney, but also being a wife, being a Christ follower, and soon being a mother. I think here recently I have really stepped into my roll as the wife as I prepare for the role as a mother. Up until this point I think I have been figuring out my role as a friend to my wonderful husband, learning what makes him happy and how to keep him that way. Now 2 years later I've really started to work on how to be his wife.
         
          I am very blessed that I've got to spend the last two years becoming a very close friend to my husband. I believe this friendship will be a great foundation for us and our future family as I step into my roll as a wife and mother. For me I feel as though being a friend to my husband first and learning how to understand him as a person will help me support him as his wife as he grows in Christ as a man, a father, and a husband.
        
        I've spent my whole life dreaming of being a wife and a mother and so far I've loved every minute of being a wife, especially sense I get to be the wife to the most amazing man that only God could have perfectly placed into my life. I've only recently had to start to shift into more of a wife role as we move forward in our lives and become parents. The beginning of our lives as one has been an amazing adventure so far. There have been some small bumps in the road with various small issues, but for the most part its been pretty carefree getting to be friends and married. We are now moving into a more serious time in our lives as we move into a bigger home and have bigger responsibilities. Dealing with these bigger issues has been a challenge but the strength with have in each other through Christ has been so amazing. I feel like I've accomplished things the last couple months I never thought I could. I know this strength only comes through God and the support he has placed in my life in the form of my husband. 
        
        I know I will always be feeling as though I could be doing better, comparing myself to people I see at church and on TV and in different forms of social media. I have always struggled with feeling as though I will never meet the standard I have put for myself based on these various examples of what is best. Here recently I have started to see myself becoming small amounts of what I thought I would never be able to be and here I plan to chronicle my journey of learning how to be Mrs. Sweeney.


         -Mrs. Sweeney