Now it's been awhile so the details may be off, but much of that day I could never forget. Now anyone who knows me knows I had a really rough pregnancy to begin with but lucky for me the last part of my pregnancy went extremely fast. Now I didn't do a lot of research during my pregnancy because I was worried about being overwhelmed by all the information. With the internet there are MILLIONS of different opinions and "facts" out there so I decided to wing it I suppose. T.J. and I were both working and with how fast everything was going we missed our chance to take any classes to help prepare us. So I just decided to trust my doctor (I found her through a friend who was very high risk and had a perfect pregnancy and delivery). I figured they are doctors they know what their doing so why worry myself...I will forever regret that choice. The only thing I really covered with my doctor was my concern about unnecessary inductions. I noticed a TON of people basically just choosing when to have their babies and I knew I wanted her to come when my body knew it was her time. My doctor had the same opinion so my only concern was covered.
So May 8th 2014 I was at work (at Starbucks). I was 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant and all my male co workers were terrified I'd go into labor on their shift and I'd just flood the store or something (young guys obviously). I planned on working until I went into labor so I'd have as much time at home with Josie as possible (With Starbucks I got 6 weeks paid leave and I added a month of unpaid leave). It was 10am and I was scheduled to work until noon. I was in the middle of making someones beverage and I suddenly felt like I wet myself a bit. Now if you've been pregnant before you know you have moments all the time of feeling like you leaked a little so normally you just move on. This time it felt like maybe a little more so I requested to run to the bathroom. I didn't really notice anything weird so I just went back to work. I got off work and I had a ton of errands to run that day but something just felt off. Now my whole pregnancy I had the weirdest feeling I wouldn't know I was in labor (which I knew was crazy), I even asked my doctors for specific signs. Anyway, because of feeling just kinda "off" I went to hangout with my mom for awhile and just called T.J. to let him know I wouldn't be able to run my errands. I just sat around basically and chatted with my mom until maybe 3pm until I went home because I just didn't feel right,
So when I got home I noticed I was gradually getting kind of damp I guess you could say. I also noticed Josie had stopped moving, which was unusual for her. At this point it was about 4pm and I decided to call my mom and just explain how the day went and how I was feeling. My mother suggested I call the doctors office because they were about to close. I called and explained the situation and within only a minute or 2 they asked me to come in (but they didn't really seem overly concerned so I wasn't either). Right about then T.J. got home and I told him we had to head out. I drove us the 30min to the doctors office.
When we got there they took a look and quickly said "oh that's amniotic fluid your leaking", now remember I went into all this rather blind so I wasn't exactly sure what that meant. So I asked "So I'm in labor? Is someone going to tell me if I'm in labor". Obviously I was so they sent me to Texas women's hospital next door. I go my room right around 5:30pm. My doctor wasn't there, I was greeted by the on call doctor whom I've never seen. She looked my age or younger. I still to this day have no idea where my doctor was or why I NEVER saw her. When I got there I asked when my contractions would start and they informed me that I was having them 2min apart and I was already 4cm dilated! I was shocked. I couldn't feel anything. After being checked out they discovered only half of my water had broken and was acting as sort of a buffer for the contractions. They proceeded to break the rest of my water. Soon after that the contractions kicked in, I think I made it through maybe 5 before I asked for the Epidural (I had already decided early on that I would play the epidural by ear).
For several hours I just slept and not a lot happened. After a few hours we were informed that Josie's heart-rate had dropped "a little". They proceeded to take me off Pitocin (Which I didn't even know what it was or that I was on it). At around 2am ( Only 9 hours after being at the hospital and only 14 hours after my water first broke) I was 8cm dilated and the doctor said I wasn't progressing fast enough and they couldn't risk putting me back on Pitocin because they were concerned about Josie's heart-rate. So c-section it was. I looked at T.J. and started crying. I told him he had to take care of our little girl for me (I meant it as I didn't know when I'd get to be with them but he thought I was talking about dying so needless to say he cried a lot). Now I was crying because I was terrified of a c-section due to my history with depression growing up. I knew that there would be some time where I wouldn't see her and I was scared I would end up having postpartum depression because of it.
The C-section went smoothly. at 2:30 am my life changed. They showed her to me and just like that T.J. and Josie were gone. I didn't even get to touch her. T.j. went to introduce her to everyone and I was closed up and moved to a recovery room. I didn't see either of them for over an hour. Eventually they came back but I was informed I was not allowed to touch her until I could feel my toes and legs. So there she was sitting 5 ft away, my baby girl, but I wasn't allowed to touch her. My heart ached. My baby was right there, we spent 9 months together and she was removed from my body and now all I could do was stare at her from afar. I could barely even see her from my bed. We were in that room for what seemed like eternity, practically being ignored. It was a few hours at least, Longest hours of my life.
I could finally move so we were moved to a room, but it was to late, the damage was done. I am in tears as I type this because I can't remember what the moment I held her for the first time was like. The whole first day of Josie's life she was in one of those baby heaters. They said her body temperature was too low (which I didn't find out till day 3 in the hospital was because she was supposed to stay double swaddled the whole time till she could regulate her temperature). I don't remember the feelings I had towards her those first few days of her life, honestly I don't even know if I had any, It's all a fog. The whole stay was a mess. T.J. had been in the E.R. earlier that week so he wasn't feeling well before we even got there but the lack of any kind of bed for him made it worse. He was miserable. I was in a lot of pain but T.J. could only help so much. One night I moved Josie's plastic bassinet into my bed so I could get to her faster without waking T.J. I was promptly chewed out the next morning for putting her in danger apparently. We went in on a Thursday had her on Friday, My birthday was on Saturday, mother's day was on Sunday, and Monday we FINALLY got to go home. I just wanted to be as far from that hospital as possible.
Having my precious baby girl and being home with her didn't go at all how I thought it would. My concerns came true. I knew something felt off. From the moment they took her from my body and took her from me my connection with her was gone. They took my moment from me. They took 2 years of her life from me. The first 2 years of my Josie's life can only be described as long term baby sitting. Let me explain, I never had those warm fuzzies, There was no bond that can't be broken, I never hated Josie like some people with postpartum do, I just never felt like she was mine. I took care of her, I enjoyed being around her, but it was like she wasn't mine, like she was never apart of me. The moment they removed Josie from my body and took her away they severed the bond we had before I got to even touch her. I barely remember her being so small, I don't remember staring at her and my heart exploding with love. I'll never get that back.
Recently I had dinner with my husband and all I could do was go on and on about how much I love and enjoy our Josie girl. She brings so much joy to my life. I can't imagine my life without her. I hate going places without her. She's my mini-me, My best friend. He looked at me and told me how wonderful it was to hear me talk about her like that, he told me he remembered the disconnect we had. It breaks my heart that 2 years of her life will forever be shrouded in this "disconnect". I can't get those years back. But I will spend everyday of her life basking in her amazing personality, I will remember the moments we have now. I could not love her anymore than I do.
When we started trying for baby #2 I started researching to prevent this from happening again. These are the things I discovered:
- Pitocin is used in inducing labor, it also makes contractions more painful. They still do not know how it will affect the fetus and therefore it often times leads to c-section because of what it does to the fetus (ie. her heart rate dropping)
- Skin to skin following delivery is VERY important for both mother and infant.
- Doulas are AMAZING and very well informed.
- Doctors don't automatically have your best interest at heart. Don't just assume they will do what is best. Be your own advocate.
- Texas women's hospital has an extremely high volume of c-sections due to their desire to keep to THEIR schedule. (I've been told this by my doula, nurses from both TWH and my new doctor, and my current doctor.) I will say I have had friends who had perfectly normal delivery's there so do your own research.
I 100% believe my c-section was totally unnecessary on many levels. I was 8cm dilated when they took me back, Josie's heart-rate only dropped one time, I went into labor completely on my own, and I should of NEVER been put on Pitocin (which apparently is a common practice now a days even with all the negative risks). God has a reason for everything and I truly believe that, but I am doing everything in my power to prevent this with my son.
I am starting my 3rd trimester with my son today! As soon as we found of we were pregnant I got a new doctor and a doula. I will be going in for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and I have high hopes it should go smoothly. My doctor has done several and has a reputation for ACTUALLY ATTENDING 98% of her patients deliveries! I will be delivering at Texas Children's Women's Pavillion this time around. I will fight this time around for my body and my son. I have a doula who knows exactly what I want and will fight for me. I have the history with my baby girl burning a fire under my butt to do everything in my power to advocate for myself at all times. But most of all I have a GOD who is all powerful who is watching out for me and knows whats best. I feel so comforted as I start my 3rd trimester that my bad experiences have prepared me for whats to come. now if only I could get rid of this heartburn!
Fight for what you want, know what you want out of your delivery, be as prepared as you can and never stop asking your doctor questions. Things may be out of your control in the end but at least you'll know everything that could've been done was and know that even when things go out of control that God is still in control.
